If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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