I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
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