Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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