That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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