I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
