I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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