Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
