can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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