Where is the hickey?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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