half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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