My girlfriend figured out who you are.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize