Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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