Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
