I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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