isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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