Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
