I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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