Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
