something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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