Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
