I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
