i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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