Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
