Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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