that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
