that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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