I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
