Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize