My underwear smells like fireworks.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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