I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
