I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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