Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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