Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im calling her cock vulture from now on
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
