We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
