she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
