1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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