so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
