happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
