Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
