one two three fourrrrnication!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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