I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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