It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
