Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
