i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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