i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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