it was like having sex with a tree stump
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
