also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
