Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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