I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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