hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
