I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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