Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
