Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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