hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
