I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
