she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
