Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
