dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
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He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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