Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
