last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
