Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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